Killed almost 4 hours at EWR all by myself because the MomTaxi only had one drop-off time. Is it sad and pathetic that I had no trouble spending those hours all by myself? *pets Tootie iPod and new books* Sat down to wait for J to get there (late, as always). Met a guy because his own flight wasn't showing up on the departure monitors even though he was absolutely certain he was at the right gate. And you know me... that's like a puzzle and challenge that'll drive me nuts if I can't figure it out. Added bonus: Rick the merchant marine was pretty damn cute. Chatted with him for awhile before J got there (finally) and then continued to talk to him. But alas, we waited until the last minute to say goodbye to him. *waves bye to cute guy*

Flight was uneventful except that the movie was Dodgeball and we HAD to watch it. Ben Stiller's "touche!" sounded. Exactly. Like. BossVanWilder. (He's been using the word since I've known him for almost two years and not once has he ever used it in the correct context, either. Grr.) It was all sorts of freaky. I'm still shuddering over the delivery of the word.

Took a cab to the Ritz-Carlton. The company had a conference there and Jen managed to snag us one of the rooms that had already been paid for. Weeee! The front desk people are snobs, though. Bleeeech. The rooms, however, were lovely and J and I spent an hour running back and forth through the place. We also had an "ocean-view" so it was love. It sucked that we got to PR late because we didn't really get to enjoy the beach. Julie, Jen's sister, got there a few hours before us and got to use one of the hotel's hammocks. She said it was lurve. Damn. Got all dressed up, had a drink and some appetizers in the hotel lounge, and then went cruising in Condado. Btw, if you ever need a fancy dress, PR is the place to go. We lost count at how many dress shops there were just driving down one street.

Dinner was delayed for a bit because we couldn't find anyplace that wasn't booked up for hours. Ended up eating at Antonio's, which only LOOKED classy because the waiters were all dressed up. But as soon as we went in, the place was empty. Oh, sure, everything looked nice, but the place was pretty damn ghetto. The menus were laminated paper, and items and prices were crossed off or adjusted with pen. The wine list had been fixed with white-out, which led to a non-stop giggle fest over the busboy and his white-out pen, diligently marking out bottles and prices for every.single.menu. And then, of course, the busboy happened to walk by and, apparently, didn't understand English because he started laughing with us. Aww. The dessert menu were pieces of paper either taped or sticky-padded to a laminated cover. And they were falling apart. It wasn't the best dinner, but at least we had a lot to laugh about.

Afterwards, we went to a lounge for drinks. There was a DJ who played crappy music, mostly a flashback to the 80s and early 90s, and his tastes were all over the place. Our waiter was really nice, and maybe just a little bit scared of us. J insisted that I had to grab ass before we left PR, and frelling Jen and Julie agreed with her. Bleh. The Poohster is not an ass-grabber, dammit. I don't care how "liberating" it can be. Cuz that's just phooey. So after four amaretto sours, which I didn't even realize I inhaled like they were nothing (but apparently weren't nothing), I uhhh... well, okay, the waiter didn't say anything. So that's good, right? I think he was just being polite. Anyway, it was fast, and he was a good sport because he came by often to laugh with us, and Jen kept trying to get him to tell us about the Indian bong (damn, can't remember what they're called anymore) things people had at their tables. J had three apple martinis, but only managed to drink one and a half of them. The other two martinis ended up being spilled all over the four of us during her really loud, wildly gesticulating, drunken chatter. Damn that girl gets loud when she's drunk. And pointy. She gets really really pointy when she's drunk, so even people across the room know when she's talking about them. The three of us were staring at her, partly in horror, but mostly laughing our asses off. Until the waiter brought us our bong-y thing. It was just strawberry-flavored water, dudes. Don't get all freaky about it or nothing. (At least it better have been just that. Umm... Shhhh.)

And so ended our night. The fun tally for the night: drinks (6), bong (1, strawberry), ass grabbed (1). See? Pooh knows how to have fun... sorta.

1. 2. 3. 4.

1. Ritz-Carlton, front
2. Ritz-Carlton, back
3. Ass pic! Well, J's. Sorta.
4. Julia

Left San Juan late because Jen still had a meeting to go to in the morning. Drove around in Condado again to find some breakfast and to get some maps. Had a more traditional Puerto Rican breakfast. Fast food steaks, anyone? First time I've ever had steak, rice and beans for breakfast. No wonder they have siestas here. We were all ready to take a nap right after that. Instead, we drove towards Old San Juan but because we didn't have that much time, stopped only once to take some pictures and ask a cop for directions. Then we were off.

Destination: La Parguera and the Phosphorescent Bay

What actually happened:
So someone forgot to tell us that Friday was some kind of national holiday, which meant the roads were jammed. Bleh. It should have only taken us about 2-3 hours to get to La Parguera from San Juan, driving along the coast. But we sat at a toll booth for almost an hour so that was a bust. Because we started late in the day, we tried for Mayaguez instead because Jen knew some people who lived there. According to the map, there was a resort there. Only, hey! Road signs are kind of like Jersey signs -- practically non-existent or really sucky. So we got lost a bunch of times. And then we were stopped by la policia for "speeding" even though at the time we were clocked, some asshole cut us off to avoid the cop, and the cop had the nerve to tell us that the radar clocked us going faster than the guy who cut us off. Which, umm... the hell? Anyway, he took one look at Jen's NY license and got all high and mighty on her, wrote up a ticket, and told her she had thirty days. Just "thirty days." lmfao. For what? Who knows. Of course, Jen waited until he had walked away before giving lip about how she already told him we were in a rental car and weren't from around there. She doesn't plan on going back to PR for quite awhile, so I hope they're not expecting any money from her. Heh.

Got to Mayaguez but couldn't find the resort. Were pissy and tired. And had to pee badly. So turned around and headed back to Rincon, "El Pueblo de los Bellos Atardeceres" aka Town of Beautiful Sunsets, where we stopped at the first large hotel we could find. Immediately changed into swimsuits and went to the pool. Tried the ocean, but it was freezing. Went back to the pool and stayed there to watch the sunset. Rowr. J's been hounding me ever since our L.A. trip because she thinks it's her mission to get me some color. Apparently, I'm too pale. Pfffft. Well, she was denied, again, because we didn't get to the hotel until almost 5PM.

Went to Mayaguez to meet up with some of Jen's friends. Both were very cute undergrads she met through one of her Hispanic engineering societies. They were very excited about getting a chance to practice their English even though they ended up speaking Spanish with Jen for almost the entire night. When J and I could understand them, though, they were hilarious. Eduardo was the whore out of the two, and Luis regaled us with the story of how he was shaving his chest before coming to meet us and accidentally cut a nipple. He was known as the One-Nipple Man for the rest of the night. See what happens when you tell us embarrassing things? We don't ever let you live it down. *nods* Dinner was at this really small restaurant, tucked in the middle of an alley, which took us freaking forever to find. And then Jen got all worked up because she said there were "white people in there! how the fuck did they find this place! I speak and read Spanish and I couldn't find this place!" Umm... it really took us a long time to find the place. lol. We ended up waiting over an hour for a table but it was well worth the wait. If I can ever remember the name of the place... and if I ever go back... gotta remember to go eat there again, cuz... wow. Mmmm. Mouth watering just thinking about that dinner. And... because we were all discussing work (Eduardo and Luis had both applied for internships), Jen declared it a business dinner. (We have no shame, yo. LOL) And then on the way back to our cars, a condom fell out of Luis's pants pocket... but nothing happened from that.

Stopped off near Eduardo and Luis's university to go bar hopping. Got into a club that had a live band. J and I couldn't understand anything, but the beat was loud and bouncy. After they closed, we went to a quieter bar and stood around talking and drinking. I had a rum and coke that was mostly rum and Julie had an amaretto sour that was mostly sour (which made me laugh my fucking ass off, because... umm... deja vu or something.) And of course, J was tipsy, and started pushing me to grab more ass again. Seriously, I have no idea what's wrong with her. She's a lunatic. I refused so she got her jollies by grabbing Eduardo and Luis. To be fair, she's tiny, and incredibly adorable, so I guess it was really cute when she does it. When I do it... um, not so much. And yet, she kept pushing, even though I had fulfilled my trip quota the night before. So while we were talking and drinking and standing there with Julie, J suddenly grabs my hand and pulls me (and my hand!) past her... and right into some strange guy's butt. (ARGH!) My hand has never snapped back so quickly before, and by the time the guy actually started looking around, we were all turned back towards our circle and laughing. Phew. In my defense, it was done against my will, and was more of a backhander than an actual grab. I'm innocent! I'm pure! I... am.

On the way back to Rincon, we stopped at a 24-hour Walmart for snacks. Heh. And as we drove back, we passed the resort that Jen was trying to find earlier that day. Booo! Also, never made it to the Phosphorescent Bay, which made me sad because I really wanted to see it. :(

Fun count: drinks (3, because the night before was ridiculous), clubs (1), bars (1), ass grabbed handled (1)

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13.

1. Ocean view from Ritz room.
2. Pool
3. Beach, hammocks
4. Condom World! These stores are All.Over.The.Place.
5. On the road, the Atlantic Ocean and its choppy waves.
6. Towards Old San Juan. Umm... a statue...
7. Touristy places.
8. Picturesque views
9. More scenery
10. Castillo de San Cristobal
11. Coastal view on way to Rincon
12. Sunset taken while in pool
13. More sunset

Last full day. Woke up early to sunny and clear skies. Immediately called the front desk to ask for a later check out time and then skipped to the pool. Yes, there was skipping. Spent the morning at the pool and ordered drinks at the swim-up bar. Still cannot swim, for anyone keeping track out there. It's pretty sad and pathetic and yes, I am very ashamed of that fact, so shhhh. Stayed at the pool for as long as possible, but was punished for. Lunch by the pool turned out to be crappy. J ordered Buffalo wings and really... what's the point of having Buffalo wings in Puerto Rico? Managed to get some color. Barely. And also got splotchy burns on legs. Was not fun.

Got back in the car and headed back to San Juan. Fell asleep in the car, and that fucking bitch J took pics. Hate her. Especially now that she's got SleepingPooh stories (and pics) and has contradicted all my own theories about myself. (HRMPH! Sooo not true, dammit!) The plan was to explore Old San Juan for real, but because we stayed in Rincon too long, we didn't get back to San Juan until mid-afternoon. We got a room at the Courtyard Marriot and then went shopping at some huge mall not far from there. I personally didn't see the point of shopping at a mall with all the same stores you can find at home, especially since the prices weren't much different and you'd have to lug everything back with you on the plane, but ehhh, to each their own. (Note to self for next time: Always go anywhere outside of hotel area with a Spanish speaker. Or learn to be more fluent in Spanish.)

Dinner was Argentinian pizza. And wine. Lots and lots of wine. Dessert was gelato at some gelato place, where J, in all her loud tipsiness, tried to molest the waiter. Poor guy didn't realize what he was getting himself into when he shook his ass to her innocent request. Those American girls! Sheesh. And then J left her camera there and the guy chased after us calling "hey, drunk girl! drunk girl!" LMAO. Nope, we didn't let her live that down. Tried to find a souvenir shop in the middle of the night, but was unsuccessful so we went back to the hotel to raid the gift shop. Did not bring any stuffed animals with me on this trip, so of course, I had to bring a friend home -- bought a stuffed coqui frog which makes the really adorable "co-qui!" noise when you squeeze it. Awww.

Finally settled into our room. FYI, don't stay at the Courtyard Marriot if you're there. We found tiny ants all over the bathroom and had to switch our room. Then Julie found the ants in her suitcase. Ugh. Our new room was a lot nicer, though, with a much better view.

Last fun tally: drinks (3), ass shaken in our faces (1)

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

1. Hotel, Rincon on the Beach
2. View from balcony, calm waters
3. More view from balcony
4. On the drive back to the Atlantic side
5. Choppy Atlantic Ocean from Marriot balcony
6. Beach
7. My new coqui!

Julie's flight was at 6AM. *waves bye to Julie*
Jen's flight was at 11AM. *waves bye to Jen*
Our flight wasn't until at 6PM so we had TOO MUCH time to waste.

I woke up later and sat on the balcony to read and watch the surfers try to conquer the Atlantic Ocean. It's amazing how different the water is as you travel from the Atlantic side towards the Carribbean side. Jen woke up much later and we checked out. We had considered a trip to Old San Juan, but meh, were too lazy. We also considered a trip to the rain forest, but that tour left way too early and would take half a day. Instead, we decided to risk it and walk outside of the resort area to find a restaurant for brunch. After that, we tried to go souvenir shopping, but there really wasn't anything good.

Returned back to the hotel and spent some time in the casino. We were very good about not gambling. Well... up until the last day. Only had to sit down at the slots for five minutes before I won $80 on the nickel slots. Was very very very happy and excited. I guess my luck is much better in PR than it is in Vegas. The attendant took forever to bring me my money so that was a nice waste of time. Then we proceeded to spend that money at the hotel bar. Okay, we only had one drink each, but it was the last drink of the trip and we had to make it a good one. After drinks, we headed to the airport. *sniffle*

No cute guys to talk to at the airport. Actually, come to think of it... other than Jen's friends, no really cute guys at all during the trip. Hmmm. That must be remedied, dammit. The flight back was really uneventful. Our movie was a Harry Potter movie. Meh. And I gave up trying to pay attention to it about a third of the way through. Sigh.

And so the Puerto Rico trip ends. I'm pretty sure that's everything. At least that's all I can remember.

Boring, huh?